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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23895862">Hastur and The No Good, Very Bad Day</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thestarlitrose/pseuds/Thestarlitrose'>Thestarlitrose</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Crack Treated Seriously, Fruity mixed drinks that scare demons, Holy Water but the blue kind full of alcohol, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:42:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,030</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23895862</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thestarlitrose/pseuds/Thestarlitrose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Crowley; confronted at a bar, makes the best of his knowledge of mixed drinks. </p>
<p>Hastur isn't pleased.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>122</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hastur and The No Good, Very Bad Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by a post in <i>Is This Good Omens, No? Too Bad it is Now</i> featuring the alcoholic drink, <i>Holy Water.</i></p>
<p>Beta'd by the lovely <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Euny_Sloane/pseuds/Euny_Sloane">Euny_Sloane</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He'd been sitting at a table off to the side, nursing a drink for the better part of an hour. Crowley felt a shift in the air and the scent of rotting apples reached his nose followed by the putrid shit-like scent of Hastur.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He sat up, tipped the glass into his mouth; nearly wincing at the burn as it slid down his throat, then turned to greet his fellow demons.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hastur, Lord Beelzebub. What a pleasure to see you this evening. Care for a drink?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beelzebub stalked towards the table, took the chair next to Crowley, flipped it around and sat astride it, with a glare focused entirely on Crowley.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley felt his heartbeat quicken. They were supposed to leave them alone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hastur hesitated before sitting down across from him. His black eyes watched him cautiously.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lord Beelzebub spoke in a gruff tone. “Right. Vacation is over, Crowley. We need you to get back to work.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He shook his head. “Sorry, Lord Beelzebub. Retired. And engaged! My fiancé wouldn’t approve.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They tilted their head, “Fiancé?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It means he’s gonna get married, my Lord,” Hastur noted with an eagerness to please.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beelzebub rolled their eyes. “I fucking know what a fiancé is, Duke Hastur.” They turned back to Crowley. “Who the fuck would marry you? No self-serving demon would dare to stoop that low.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley grinned, “He’s not a demon. He’s my angel.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beelzebub snarled with disbelief, “Gross. You’re marrying a human?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not a human. Oh, he’s been here as long as I have.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hastur’s face had taken on a grimace; nose scrunched up in disgust. “No. Even you wouldn’t!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” questioned Beelzebub.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, but I would. Oh, to taste such sweet grace again. And what a delicious little—”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Crowley. You wouldn’t.” interrupted Beelzebub. The bored expression they usually wore had been replaced with something else.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hastur squirmed in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with Crowley’s implications. “That’s—that’s not natural! You can’t do that Crowley!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh but I have. Many times. This morning in fact. Actually, twice. You should hear the sounds he makes when I put my tongue in his—”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Crowley! We’re professionals here.” Beelzebub looked partially intrigued and only a little bit flushed. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley smirked. “You two are the professionals. Like I said, I'm retired.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Their curiosity must have gotten the best of them, as a moment later they buzzed, “How does that work?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you see, Lord Beelzebub. When an angel and demon love each other very much...”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know how to fuck, you idiot. How do you do it without injury to the other?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You mean you tried it and were injur—”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beelzebub growled, “No, shit-for-brains, how did you </span>
  <em>
    <span>mingle</span>
  </em>
  <span> with him without ”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley blinked. “I mean it tingled at first when he’d cum in my—”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Crowley!” squeaked Hastur.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beelzebub’s eyes narrowed. “But otherwise no injury to your corporation? So, this is how you idiots pulled it off?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley wrinkled his brow briefly in confusion before he realized what they were referring to. “Uh, sure.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beelzebub’s phone buzzed, louder than an alarm would have been, where they’d set it on the table. “I just remembered I had a meeting. Don’t think you’re off the hook,” said Beelzebub, before dismounting from their chair and vanishing into the floor on the spot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley sighed. “You can’t just descend into hell in a bar crowded with humans.” He snapped his fingers, causing the humans to forget what they’d just seen. He needed another drink. Dealing with Hell always gave him a headache. Crowley reached for the bottle sitting on the table to pour himself another glass and noticed Hastur was still sitting next to him, back stiff and looking as if he would jump out of his skin at the slightest movement. Crowley’s serpentine eyes narrowed, “Duke Hastur! Let me treat you to a drink, old times sake.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley put two fingers up. Moments later, a slightly confused bartender stood beside them. “Two holy waters. Just put them on my tab.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The bartender eyed his glass and the bottle sitting next to it. “Sir, are you sure…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course! Chop chop, now. My friend here doesn’t have all day.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh—right.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Humans. Can you believe him? Questioning a demon?” asked Crowley. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hastur looked as if he were about to discorporate on the spot, flicking his eyes nervously between Crowley and the bar. “Crowley, I don’t know what you’re playing at…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley sat back in his chair, gingerly taking a sip of the brown liquid in his glass. He raised an eyebrow at Hastur. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Two bright blue drinks were placed in front of both demons. “Two holy waters, sirs.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hastur paled. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A toast. To new friendships?” asked Crowley.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hastur shook his head, “I’m not your bloody friend, Crowley and I ain’t drinking that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I don’t imagine you would.” He said, lifting the drink to his lips and taking a deep drink from the glass.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hastur was shaking. “You’re insane. I’ve said it before. That’s not—” he stood up, knocking the table enough for his glass to spill. The blue liquid puddled on the table, splashing onto the floor near the demon’s foot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He screamed as he leaped away from the spill, falling flat on his face only a few feet away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley choked on his drink as laughter bubbled up from his throat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck you, Crowley.” spat Hastur once he’d recovered enough from his fall. “I told Lord Beelzebub coming here was a mistake! You’re—unnatural!” For the second time in less than 10 minutes, a demon sank into the sticky floor of the bar.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> “Hm. Fruity,” said Crowley, raising his glass in a mock toast to where the demon had just been, before draining the rest. A quick miracle cleaned up the mess and made the humans who’d seen Hastur forget he’d ever been there. It was no good for humans to have evidence for speculation about the inner workings of hell. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crowley sighed. “Idiots, the both of them.” He picked up his phone to dial Aziraphale. When the call connected, he said in a cheery voice, “Hey angel, what do you say to inviting our old bosses to the wedding? I just had the most spectacular afternoon!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23986507">Drunk Storytime - Hastur and The No Good, Very Bad Day by Thestarlitrose</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quefish/pseuds/Quefish">Quefish</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
</div></div></div>
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